I’ve written this post and re-written it about a thousand times. I think I finally figured out what I want to say. I’m leaving this unedited for a reason.
…..A Year and a Day ago I lost my mom Diana Sue Koger. It doesn’t seem like it was that long ago. I’ve had my ups and downs grieving for her. In the beginning I just didn’t know HOW to grieve. I’ve never lost someone so close to me and I had taken on the responsibility of my grandmother as well..then she passed and it added to my grief. I read about grief. I cried. I laid in bed for days at a time. It’s true what they say. It takes time. In fact I just wrote a post in July about Striving for Progress Not Perfection and how I was dealing.
I knew the anniversary was going to be hard for me and even harder for the kids. So I shipped them off to their Nannie’s to sidetrack them and not let them see me so down. I gave myself the weekend. To remember, to cry, to laugh, and look through pictures. It was harder than I thought.
On Sunday night, I happened to see in my news feed that 30 Seconds to Mars released a new video. A pain in my chest hit me. They (and of course Marilyn Manson) were her favorite band. My mom LOVED music. I was an 80s baby so I remember her rocking the 80s hair bands. Then grunge came in the 90s and she was right there. Then Manson hit. For my 13th birthday she bought me the new Marilyn Manson CD and combat boots. Country music was banned and punishable by a grounding if she heard it. She even asked my boyfriends if they had ever wore cowboy boots….If the answer was yes…well…let’s just say she wasn’t very nice to them. When she met Brian for the first time she took one look at him and proceeded to say, “She’s gonna break your heart.” That was my mom.
So back to this weekend. Ups and downs then I watched this video:
I bawled like a baby. Then I watched it again. It’s really my motto. Living Life. We all have our ups and downs. Bad things Happen to everyone. The thing is we can’t let it drag us down. It’s better to feel your emotions instead of pushing them down or letting them take over. I choose to be happy and have a crazy fun life with my family. I choose to remember the good things about my mom and not dwell on regrets anymore. I CHOOSE Life, Love, and Laughter.
Thank you to Brian, my family and friends for guiding me through this past year. You know who you are. For without your shoulders to lean on I would have fallen…..Mama I Love You…xoxo Kasandria